tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73531152294898565532024-03-14T00:04:49.335-04:00Puns & AmmoFinally...a humour blog.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-55285470252303815322014-01-09T10:22:00.000-05:002014-01-09T10:22:04.770-05:00An AdventureWhile walking along the pier, I was strangely overcome with a desire to peer around the water. I soon spotted five or six people dressed as police. I watched as they combed the surroundings for evidence, called back to home base, showed me their badges, and told me to "back away from the surroundings." After a while of this, it dawned on me that these people weren't just dressed up as police. At least three of them <i>were</i> police!<br />
<br />
I decided that I would heed their advice of "stepping the fuck back" after none of them would give me an autograph (talk about stuck up!!!). I then overheard one saying, "looks like we got a floater." Ew, gross, I thought. That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? However, it soon became clear that they were actually just talking about a body. What a relief!<br />
<br />
I started to get hungry and asked if anyone had a sandwich. "We've got bigger fish to fry," they told me. That sounded pretty good so I decided to stick around but as it turns out, "fish" is just code for "dead body" and "fry" is just code for I don't know what.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-4685432104146755172014-01-07T10:11:00.003-05:002014-01-07T10:11:53.962-05:00Close CallJust after I was put under for my surgery, I had a vision of a glowing, pure white light. At the end of the light, I heard angelic singing and the sounds of family members saying things like, "Don't worry" and "It's your time." If my instincts were right, I knew I had to get the hell out there as soon as possible.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-43255650772058614262014-01-03T13:52:00.001-05:002014-01-03T13:52:58.637-05:00Next Time I'll Eat an Apple<div class="MsoNormal">
When the doctor took me to a dank apartment and hooked me up
to a machine, I had to ask, “Is this one of those death machines I’ve been
hearing so much about?” The doctor looked around nervously. Sweat seemed to trickle
from his forehead. Then he made a quick phone call where the doctor kept
talking about some guy who was “on to them.” Then he came back and finally
answered my question. “No,” he said. That was all I needed to hear.<o:p></o:p></div>
Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-54932975965088793622012-05-16T10:31:00.000-04:002012-05-16T10:31:46.227-04:00Tales From the Underworld!!!<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Two Demons are chatting at a Demon retreat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">DEMON #1:</span> So then what happened?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">DEMON #2:</span> Well, then I took the guy out back
and…(whispers) ripped out his heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">DEMON #1:</span> Why are you whispering? We are surrounded
by demons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"> ***</span></o:p></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">VAMPIRE: </span>Look, Count Dracula, I’ve brought you some
fresh virginal blood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">DRACULA:</span> Whoa, happy birthday to me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">VAMPIRE:</span> Wait…it’s your birthday? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">DRACULA:</span> No, it’s an expression. (rolls eyes)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"> ***</span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">MAN:</span> Thanks a lot, Evil Santa! You've ruined Christmas again.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">EVIL SANTA:</span> Bwohohohoho.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"> ***</span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">GHOST #1:</span> What do you want to do tonight?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; tab-stops: 57.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">GHOST #2:</span> I don’t know. Haunt someone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">GHOST #1:</span> Ahhh!!!! You are such a bourgeois cliché!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"> ***</span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">ZOMBIE:</span> Brains…brains…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">ZOMBIE 2:</span> ….Brains…brains…brains…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; tab-stops: 57.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">ZOMBIE 3:</span> Actually, I think I’m going to hit the ol’
hot dog stand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;">*** </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">A company of hellish ghouls gather to hear Satan’s
weekly speech. Satan enters, and the awful crowd hushes. Just as Satan is about
to get to the podium, he trips on a chair, falls off the stage into the
orchestra pit of hell. The crowd is stunned silent. Satan, though, recovers and
bounces up, saying:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; tab-stops: 57.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">SATAN:</span> Live from Hell, it’s Saturday night!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; tab-stops: 57.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The crowd is confused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; tab-stops: 57.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">SATAN:</span> Oh, fuck you people. (Satan walks off)<o:p></o:p></span></div>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-78326110557853587762012-02-26T23:03:00.003-05:002012-02-26T23:03:48.575-05:00Whoops!If I hear the term "wardrobe malfunction" one more time, I swear to God my penis will pop out.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-6451151010013580482011-07-04T12:28:00.001-04:002011-07-04T12:29:01.257-04:00Chairmen of the Board<span style="font-family: inherit;">Youtube comments for video “Guy wipes out on Skateboard LOL!”:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hahaha! Wipeout!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Slamslam763</span> <span style="color: #666666;">2 weeks ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ka-boom! Ohhhhman<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">LRODHubbard</span> <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">2 weeks ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The best part is when he crashed<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Zeppelin3498</span> <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">2 weeks ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;">@Zeppelin3498</span> LMAO at no one doing anything after he crashes<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">zimmerhead </span><span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Guys this isn’t funny. This is my cousin and he’s in the hospital. He<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">shattered his tibia into pieces.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Sailin4Life</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Troll!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">jwalk98</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;">@Sailin4Life</span> Get lost troll<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">zimmerhead</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Slammmm!!! Ooohhhh gonna hurttt in the morning<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Waynetreason</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;">@Sailin4Life</span> Boo-hoo! <o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Mellowfellow</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ouch! Guess he won’t be trying that again anytime soon LOL!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Duderamsey739</span> <span style="color: #666666;">1 week ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Really guys! I’m not a troll. The doctors said today that my cousin will <o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">have an operation tomorrow but he may walk with a limp for the rest <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">of his life. Can someone please take this video down?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: blue;">Sailin4Life</span> <span style="color: #666666;">6 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">FU Sailin4Life!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;">Sweetiepie98303 </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">5 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue;">@Sailin4Life</span> All I hear is blahblaha my cousin blahaha PUSSY!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;">Mellowfellow</span> <span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">4 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Don’t take this video down. It’s hilaroois!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;">JohnLockeisJesus</span> <span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">4 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">No one listen to Sailin4Life<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;">PantsAfire</span> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #666666;">3 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This comment has received too many negative votes<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-size: x-small;">Sailin4Life</span> <span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">2 days ago<o:p></o:p></span></span></span>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-54893623679625932011-07-04T10:34:00.002-04:002011-07-04T10:43:29.430-04:00A Likely ScenarioWhat if the Headless Horseman drove a public transit bus? It might go something like this:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">HEADLESS HORSEMAN:</span><span style="font-size: small;"> That'll be $2.75 please.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">MAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">(putting change into slot) Whoa, dude, you don't have a head.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">HEADLESS HORSEMAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">I know. Crazy, right? By the way, I think you only put in $2.50.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><o:p>MAN: <span style="font-size: small;">How did you even get a job as a bus driver when you don't have a head?</span></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">HEADLESS HORSEMAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">I did well on the test. And the interview was good. Um, listen, about that extra twenty-five cents...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">MAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">I mean, can you see the road? How can you drive?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">HEADLESS HORSEMAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">It's actually not bad. I used to be a horseman. Now, listen, I'm serious. This bus isn't going to move unless you pay the full fare.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">MAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">How are you even talking right now?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">HEADLESS HORSEMAN: </span><span style="font-size: small;">I can wait here all day.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"></div>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-60893548723240510602010-05-11T14:33:00.000-04:002010-05-11T14:33:42.048-04:00Too Much MoneyI considered yesterday that maybe I have too much money. As I was taking fistfuls of bills and throwing them up into the air and then shooting at them with my gun, I thought, do I have too much money? One time, I paid the world’s wealthiest man (who I could get on the phone) to spell out my full name across the entire continent of South America, using only hundred dollar bills from my bank account. And the worst part is, you can just barely make out my name from space. That was one time when I wondered out loud, is it possible I have too much money? There was a time when I paid big bucks to ride atop of an elephant whilst feeding the elephant stacks of my money. At that point, I think, I definitely had too much money. And also a drinking problem. The way the elephant was looking at me should have made me feel ashamed. Instead, I said, “I’m not feeding you all this money just to guilt trip me.” And the elephant then gave a look like I made a good point. Still, I think I realized that I really hit bottom just yesterday, when I took fistfuls of bills and threw them up in the air and then shot them with my gun. I probably should have ended with that instead of beginning with it. Still, that elephant thing was pretty good.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-26012812786890016982010-05-01T13:54:00.000-04:002010-05-01T13:54:59.423-04:00Sink Your Teeth Into ThisWas the weekly hockey game the wrong place to announce that I am on "Team Jacob"? The vicious beating I received seems to indiciate that it was.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-50088534785678012162010-04-25T12:00:00.000-04:002010-04-25T12:00:02.338-04:00What It Means To MeI guess you could say we were like family, although we weren't actually related, and none of us looked like each other, and I didn't catch everyone's name, and it was difficult to understand what people were saying, because what language are you speaking?Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-75620077917630063722010-04-23T16:00:00.001-04:002010-04-23T16:00:02.375-04:00TV Show IdeaA science fiction show set in the mid-west. There is a hat in the local hat shop that, if you put it on, takes you back in time. But no matter what time you land in, someone always makes fun of your hat.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-61681783378980625782010-04-22T12:00:00.001-04:002010-04-22T12:00:06.139-04:00A Bad Day<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> I don't believe what bad luck has befallen the Kingdom. That you should be my husband but also my son. What terrible circumstances!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Yes, terrible. Just terrible. Um, but, I gotta say, despite everything, I'm still kind of into it. You know what I mean?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA: </span>No.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Well, granted, the situation is just plain bad luck. Can't deny that. Bad luck all around. But the truth is, I'm kind of even more into it now. Aren't you?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> No. Not at all. It's disgusting.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Right! Of course.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> I mean, just think of it! The womb from which you sprung is the same womb that you defile. Repeatedly. Every night for the past twelve years.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS: </span>Yes. (pause) And this doesn't appeal to you?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> No!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Of course not. No. Just checking.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> I mean, when I think of all the sex we had. All the time. Over and over again. And then it turns out I'm your mother.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> I think we have to stop talking about this. So, what else is new?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> Hmmm...well. Let me think. Oh! You know Haemonis?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Of course! We just had a steam.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> Struck by lightning.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> No!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> Yeah.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Man.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA:</span> Are you still thinking about sex?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS:</span> Nnn-ye-no...wait, are you?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">JOCASTA: </span>I'm leaving.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">OEDIPUS: </span>Fine. I gotta do something about these eyes.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-59917315071489608942010-04-02T23:02:00.000-04:002010-04-02T23:02:37.098-04:00A PleaYou may call my rants "crazed", but take a moment and ask yourself if you are actually thinking about the words I say or are you just distracted by this pile of garbage I sleep on?Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-90105487174930130452010-03-28T12:23:00.000-04:002010-03-28T12:23:51.615-04:00Hitler On Twitter<b>adolphhitler</b><br />
<br />
@goebels Way to not show up for the Czechoslovakia invasion. check your facebook wall once in a while.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">about 21 hours ago via web in reply to goebels</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">-----</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span>Can't get enough of Wagner!!!<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">2:27 AM March 21 via web</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">-----</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Just gave great speech at the Rhine. Pretty sure someone yelled out "Shitler".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">9:43 PM March 19 via web</span>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-8042306361481313862010-03-25T09:19:00.003-04:002010-03-25T09:20:59.984-04:00My Ambitions III have this secret wish and that is to have a piece of melon that wields so much power that I can go up to a large crowd of people and say, "Bow down and worship my melon" and they do! This may sound silly to you, but the truth is, you will die someday.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-36221402480544934822010-03-21T17:10:00.000-04:002010-03-21T17:10:37.301-04:00My AmbitionsI think that it is important to have your dreams. My dream is finally going back to university to finish my undergraduate degree in Biophysics. On graduation day, my parents will watch with admiration as I pick up my diploma from the Dean whose hand I will shake firmly and politely. I will think, this is a moment that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. But then I will look down and be horrified because I forgot my pants. Where are my pants!!!?? I have that dream almost every night. The scary part, though, is when I wake up from this dream and I look down and I'm STILL not wearing pants. What the???Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-55861589210547498112010-03-20T14:47:00.002-04:002010-03-30T08:57:29.198-04:00A Giant Leap<span style="font-size: x-small;">NASA:</span> Mr. Wilson, meet the men that will be travelling on the first ever space mission to the moon, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to meet you. As far as I’m concerned you are doing this country a tremendous service in taking part in what is surely to be either one of the most momentous moments in human history or the most tragic catastrophe ever to be witnessed on television.<br />
<br />
<br />
Armstrong and Aldrin look at each other.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Gentlemen, as the President of the insurance company that insures the life of all NASA employees, I have a few standard rudimentary questions for you. (looks down at sheet) First, are you familiar with all 48 policies in the NASA spacecraft safety act and would you be able to state them all if asked?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BOTH:</span> Yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> When taking the spacecraft to the moon, will you refrain from horseplay such as towel snapping, chasing, and replacing the Tang with your own urine?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BOTH:</span> Yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WI</span><span style="font-size: x-small;">LSON:</span> Do you plan to wear your space helmets the entire time you are on the moon?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BOTH:</span> Yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> In the event that you are being chased by moonrock throwing moon creatures, would you pick up moonrocks and throw them in defense or would you run back to the spacecraft screaming for your life and shut the door quickly?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">NEIL:</span> Um…probably throw moonrocks back.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BUZZ:</span> Yeah. I would do that too.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Okay. In the event that moon creatures are able to suction themselves onto your spacecraft with their suction-cup hands and are returning back to Earth with you, would either of you attempt to open up the spacecraft door in mid-flight and swat at them in hopes that they would fall off or leave out of frustration?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">NEIL:</span> Yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BUZZ:</span> Absolutely.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> If you are on the moon and you find a cavernous moon cave and inside you come across what looks like some really expensive paintings, would you steal them so that you can make a large profit at a fancy art dealership on Earth?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">NEIL:</span> Yeah.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BUZZ:</span> I think so, yes.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Okay, but the art here is really heavy and hard to carry.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">NEIL:</span> Oh, well, then no.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Would you consider having sex with a hideous space vixen?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BOTH:</span> No.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> What if I removed the word ‘hideous’?<br />
<br />
<br />
They both gradually capitulate.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> If you return back to Earth and find that it’s not the present day Earth but, rather, 14th Century Earth, would you attempt to get back to the 20th century or would you try to gradually settle into this world and explain your crazy moon ideas to a people who will deem you so insane that they will try and set you on fire for heresy?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">BUZZ:</span> Hmmm…<br />
<br />
<br />
Buzz and Neil look at each other confused.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> Well, let’s skip that one for now. Neil, if Buzz was suffering from what scientists refer to as moon fever, would you shoot him even if he begged you and claimed that he didn’t actually have moon fever at all…<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">NASA:</span> Um, Mr. Wilson, I can’t help but notice that none of the questions that you asked were on the preliminary list that your company sent me this morning.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">WILSON:</span> That’s because I’m not from the insurance company. (pulling a gun) I’m from the Soviet Space Program!<br />
<br />
<br />
Scary music plays.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">VOICE:</span> Will Neil and Buzz ever make it to the moon? Tune in to next week’s episode of “Neil and Buzz’s Mission to the Moon” and find out!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-52320654745813664982010-01-31T19:49:00.000-05:002010-01-31T19:49:26.088-05:00Harlequin Rejection LetterThank you for your submission to Harlequin Romance. Unfortunately, we cannot accept your submission. Some of the incidents in your manuscript do not entirely correspond to the usual standards of the typical Harlequin Romance novel. Often, in more conventional stories, the central characters have a legitimate job, like "doctor" or "humble tycoon". Your central character, Ben, despite being "rich like a royal flush" seems to do nothing other than drive around aimlessly and occasionally push someone down the stairs. It's not quite clear how Ben meets Alison but it seems they are at some kind of illegal dog fight which, to be honest, threw us for a loop. Also, we think that Alison should charm Ben on the first date by cooking his favourite meal for dinner rather than giving him a "Hot Carl" while he watches Scarface. We were surprised too that when Ben feels pleasure, you describe his groin as being "hotter than dog shit in a skillet". This really took us out of the mood and we found it difficult to see the romantic nature of this encounter. At any rate, while we feel elements of your story show a great deal of creativity (particularly the well drawn illustrations that are currently under investigation) it is just not the right project for us at this time. Keep reading Harlequin!<br />
<br />
Yours truly,<br />
Judy NightingaleJessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-62695378100986857862010-01-18T22:46:00.001-05:002010-01-18T22:48:01.209-05:00Full of Pep Talk<span style="font-size: x-small;">CAPTAIN</span>: I'm going to be honest with you men. We face a difficult battle today. Quite possibly the most difficult battle of our lives. The enemy that we are about to fight have spent the past few months preparing and training for this day, while we have spent most of that time gambling. They have state of the art weapons and technology, while our guns have gone missing. They have the kind of comraderie and brotherhood that we, with our hurtful namecalling and bizarre hazing rituals, could only ever dream of. They also do not suffer from the kind of drug induced schizophrenia that many of you have been afflicted with ever since that party at my house. Most of all, they have gumption, and I have yet to find out what that even means. The important thing for you to take away here though is this: the title of "Captain" is not just something I won in a card game. It is also my real first name! I just thought you all should know that.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-43942210676293434772010-01-14T12:00:00.000-05:002010-01-14T12:00:00.909-05:00Bloody Neighbours!My neighbours told me that they were going to pray for my soul, which I thought was a sweet gesture given that I had just driven over their son.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-33142161592924496822010-01-12T13:00:00.002-05:002010-01-12T13:03:10.089-05:00Rules of ConductGlen Woods Junior High School has been asked to respond to several incidents that occurred during last year's wrestling season. Please observe the following rules that are to be adhered throughout the upcoming year. Failure of compliance with these rules will be met with indefinite suspension from the wrestling team, or ban from this year's semi-formal. <br />
<br />
Rule #1: Do not attack your opponent with a folding chair. Baseball bats are also frowned upon. Abstain from breaking an ottoman over the head of the other player. The ladder is for gym maintenance only. Candlesticks will not even be allowed into the room.<br />
<br />
Rule #2: Try to place more of an emphasis on wrestling and less of an emphasis on character arc.<br />
<br />
Rule #3: Dragging your opponent around the gymnasium by his long blond wig is now considered an illegal move.<br />
<br />
Rule #4: Avoid flying into the gymnasium using a complex series of ropes, wires, and pulleys. Please use either the southwest or southeast doors. Also, rolling in by barrel is discouraged. Appearing amidst a cloud of dry ice is not a good idea either. Any attempt at catapulting yourself onto the wrestling mat by cannon or rocket launcher is entirely out of the question.<br />
<br />
Rule #5: It's wrestling, not "wrastlin'".<br />
<br />
Rule #6: If a midget happens to wander into the gymnasium, he or she shall not be used as a weapon in any way.<br />
<br />
Rule #7: Stop stealing makeup from Mrs. Butterfield's drama class in order to "enhance" your performance.<br />
<br />
Rule #8: Please wear only your school uniform at sports meets. The flame patterned spandex one-piece with a tie will not be considered official.<br />
<br />
Rule #9: The referee is a close personal friend of the school's principal and has children. Stop lighting his beard on fire.<br />
<br />
Rule #10: Identify your student card clearly. The player who has been going by the name "Spitfire Cowboy" is not an official student at the school. He's just some bum who wandered in off the street one day.<br />
<br />
Rule #11: The only move that leads to victory is pinning your opponent. We will not accept the move where both players squeeze each other's heads simultaneously until they flail apart from each other and fall to the ground.<br />
<br />
Rule #12: Try to have fun. After all, it's a game!Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-51526960919191304312009-12-09T23:14:00.003-05:002009-12-09T23:15:18.932-05:00I Saw You<span lang="EN-CA">We rode the 14 bus together today. You, long blonde hair with a cute smile. Me, short brown hair and repeatedly looking in your direction. You got off at Stop 8. I followed you for about ten minutes until you started dodging down side streets and alleyways making frantic phone calls. Would love to meet for coffee sometime.</span>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-41702087818874565822009-12-08T18:02:00.006-05:002009-12-19T12:40:59.243-05:00No Bones About It<span lang="EN-CA">In Grade 10 biology, we had a real life skeleton in our classroom. Sometimes, Mr. Belton would make the skeleton do funny things like point at all of us or eat a sandwich and then force vomit. In many ways, the skeleton was just like any other student in the classroom except he wouldn't take any tests and he was all bones. I would often spend most of the class staring at the skeleton thinking, man, I wish I was a skeleton. One day, we came to class and the skeleton was gone. "What's going on?" I asked. "Where's old Skully?" The class looked confused. "You know. The skeleton." The class told me that the day before, Mr. Belton had made an annoucement that the skeleton would be going away because it was causing a distraction to some students which I guess I didn't hear for some reason. Well, I started crying and when Mr. Belton came in, I demanded to know where the skeleton was. "I'm sorry," said Mr. Belton, "but the skeleton is gone." I couldn't believe it! I went into a mad rage and started banging on the closet at the back of the room. But as I was banging, guess what fell out of the closet? It was the remains of a dead person!!!! I had never been so scared in my life.</span>Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-56078159297871714842009-11-19T15:40:00.000-05:002009-11-19T15:40:19.086-05:00Treasure in the NightShe was not just any prostitute. She was a prostitute with a vagina of gold.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7353115229489856553.post-17779741718759634192009-11-01T14:18:00.000-05:002009-11-01T14:18:23.366-05:00Scare ScarsAs a child, my favourite treat to get on Hallowe'en was the candy that contained the sharp, jagged, glass-like centre.Jessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14415007444442985939noreply@blogger.com0