Puns & Ammo

Chairmen of the Board

2011-07-04T12:28:00.001-04:00

Youtube comments for video “Guy wipes out on Skateboard LOL!”:

Hahaha! Wipeout!

Slamslam763 2 weeks ago

Ka-boom! Ohhhhman

LRODHubbard 2 weeks ago

The best part is when he crashed

Zeppelin3498 2 weeks ago

@Zeppelin3498 LMAO at no one doing anything after he crashes

zimmerhead 1 week ago

Guys this isn’t funny. This is my cousin and he’s in the hospital. He

shattered his tibia into pieces.
Sailin4Life 1 week ago

Troll!

jwalk98 1 week ago

@Sailin4Life Get lost troll
zimmerhead 1 week ago

Slammmm!!! Ooohhhh gonna hurttt in the morning

Waynetreason 1 week ago

@Sailin4Life Boo-hoo!

Mellowfellow 1 week ago

Ouch! Guess he won’t be trying that again anytime soon LOL!

Duderamsey739 1 week ago

Really guys! I’m not a troll. The doctors said today that my cousin will

have an operation tomorrow but he may walk with a limp for the rest
of his life. Can someone please take this video down?
Sailin4Life 6 days ago

FU Sailin4Life!!!!!!

Sweetiepie98303 5 days ago

@Sailin4Life All I hear is blahblaha my cousin blahaha PUSSY!

Mellowfellow 4 days ago

Don’t take this video down. It’s hilaroois!!!!!

JohnLockeisJesus 4 days ago

No one listen to Sailin4Life

PantsAfire 3 days ago

This comment has received too many negative votes

Sailin4Life 2 days ago

A Likely Scenario

2011-07-04T10:34:00.002-04:00

What if the Headless Horseman drove a public transit bus? It might go something like this:

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: That'll be $2.75 please.

MAN: (putting change into slot) Whoa, dude, you don't have a head.

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I know. Crazy, right? By the way, I think you only put in $2.50.

MAN: How did you even get a job as a bus driver when you don't have a head?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I did well on the test. And the interview was good. Um, listen, about that extra twenty-five cents...

MAN: I mean, can you see the road? How can you drive?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: It's actually not bad. I used to be a horseman. Now, listen, I'm serious. This bus isn't going to move unless you pay the full fare.

MAN: How are you even talking right now?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I can wait here all day.

Too Much Money

2010-05-11T14:33:00.000-04:00

I considered yesterday that maybe I have too much money. As I was taking fistfuls of bills and throwing them up into the air and then shooting at them with my gun, I thought, do I have too much money? One time, I paid the world’s wealthiest man (who I could get on the phone) to spell out my full name across the entire continent of South America, using only hundred dollar bills from my bank account. And the worst part is, you can just barely make out my name from space. That was one time when I wondered out loud, is it possible I have too much money? There was a time when I paid big bucks to ride atop of an elephant whilst feeding the elephant stacks of my money. At that point, I think, I definitely had too much money. And also a drinking problem. The way the elephant was looking at me should have made me feel ashamed. Instead, I said, “I’m not feeding you all this money just to guilt trip me.” And the elephant then gave a look like I made a good point. Still, I think I realized that I really hit bottom just yesterday, when I took fistfuls of bills and threw them up in the air and then shot them with my gun. I probably should have ended with that instead of beginning with it. Still, that elephant thing was pretty good.

Sink Your Teeth Into This

2010-05-01T13:54:00.000-04:00

Was the weekly hockey game the wrong place to announce that I am on "Team Jacob"? The vicious beating I received seems to indiciate that it was.

What It Means To Me

2010-04-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

I guess you could say we were like family, although we weren't actually related, and none of us looked like each other, and I didn't catch everyone's name, and it was difficult to understand what people were saying, because what language are you speaking?

TV Show Idea

2010-04-23T16:00:00.001-04:00

A science fiction show set in the mid-west. There is a hat in the local hat shop that, if you put it on, takes you back in time. But no matter what time you land in, someone always makes fun of your hat.

A Bad Day

2010-04-22T12:00:00.001-04:00

JOCASTA: I don't believe what bad luck has befallen the Kingdom. That you should be my husband but also my son. What terrible circumstances!

OEDIPUS: Yes, terrible. Just terrible. Um, but, I gotta say, despite everything, I'm still kind of into it. You know what I mean?

JOCASTA: No.

OEDIPUS: Well, granted, the situation is just plain bad luck. Can't deny that. Bad luck all around. But the truth is, I'm kind of even more into it now. Aren't you?

JOCASTA: No. Not at all. It's disgusting.

OEDIPUS: Right! Of course.

JOCASTA: I mean, just think of it! The womb from which you sprung is the same womb that you defile. Repeatedly. Every night for the past twelve years.

OEDIPUS: Yes. (pause) And this doesn't appeal to you?

JOCASTA: No!

OEDIPUS: Of course not. No. Just checking.

JOCASTA: I mean, when I think of all the sex we had. All the time. Over and over again. And then it turns out I'm your mother.

OEDIPUS: I think we have to stop talking about this. So, what else is new?

JOCASTA: Hmmm...well. Let me think. Oh! You know Haemonis?

OEDIPUS: Of course! We just had a steam.

JOCASTA: Struck by lightning.

OEDIPUS: No!

JOCASTA: Yeah.

OEDIPUS: Man.

JOCASTA: Are you still thinking about sex?

OEDIPUS: Nnn-ye-no...wait, are you?

JOCASTA: I'm leaving.

OEDIPUS: Fine. I gotta do something about these eyes.

A Plea

2010-04-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

You may call my rants "crazed", but take a moment and ask yourself if you are actually thinking about the words I say or are you just distracted by this pile of garbage I sleep on?

Hitler On Twitter

2010-03-28T12:23:00.000-04:00

adolphhitler

@goebels Way to not show up for the Czechoslovakia invasion. check your facebook wall once in a while.
about 21 hours ago via web in reply to goebels

-----

Can't get enough of Wagner!!!
2:27 AM March 21 via web

-----

Just gave great speech at the Rhine. Pretty sure someone yelled out "Shitler".
9:43 PM March 19 via web

My Ambitions II

2010-03-25T09:19:00.003-04:00

I have this secret wish and that is to have a piece of melon that wields so much power that I can go up to a large crowd of people and say, "Bow down and worship my melon" and they do! This may sound silly to you, but the truth is, you will die someday.

My Ambitions

2010-03-21T17:10:00.000-04:00

I think that it is important to have your dreams. My dream is finally going back to university to finish my undergraduate degree in Biophysics. On graduation day, my parents will watch with admiration as I pick up my diploma from the Dean whose hand I will shake firmly and politely. I will think, this is a moment that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. But then I will look down and be horrified because I forgot my pants. Where are my pants!!!?? I have that dream almost every night. The scary part, though, is when I wake up from this dream and I look down and I'm STILL not wearing pants. What the???

A Giant Leap

2010-03-20T14:47:00.002-04:00

NASA: Mr. Wilson, meet the men that will be travelling on the first ever space mission to the moon, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.

WILSON: Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to meet you. As far as I’m concerned you are doing this country a tremendous service in taking part in what is surely to be either one of the most momentous moments in human history or the most tragic catastrophe ever to be witnessed on television.

Armstrong and Aldrin look at each other.

WILSON: Gentlemen, as the President of the insurance company that insures the life of all NASA employees, I have a few standard rudimentary questions for you. (looks down at sheet) First, are you familiar with all 48 policies in the NASA spacecraft safety act and would you be able to state them all if asked?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: When taking the spacecraft to the moon, will you refrain from horseplay such as towel snapping, chasing, and replacing the Tang with your own urine?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: Do you plan to wear your space helmets the entire time you are on the moon?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: In the event that you are being chased by moonrock throwing moon creatures, would you pick up moonrocks and throw them in defense or would you run back to the spacecraft screaming for your life and shut the door quickly?

NEIL: Um…probably throw moonrocks back.

BUZZ: Yeah. I would do that too.

WILSON: Okay. In the event that moon creatures are able to suction themselves onto your spacecraft with their suction-cup hands and are returning back to Earth with you, would either of you attempt to open up the spacecraft door in mid-flight and swat at them in hopes that they would fall off or leave out of frustration?

NEIL: Yes.

BUZZ: Absolutely.

WILSON: If you are on the moon and you find a cavernous moon cave and inside you come across what looks like some really expensive paintings, would you steal them so that you can make a large profit at a fancy art dealership on Earth?

NEIL: Yeah.

BUZZ: I think so, yes.

WILSON: Okay, but the art here is really heavy and hard to carry.

NEIL: Oh, well, then no.

WILSON: Would you consider having sex with a hideous space vixen?

BOTH: No.

WILSON: What if I removed the word ‘hideous’?

They both gradually capitulate.

WILSON: If you return back to Earth and find that it’s not the present day Earth but, rather, 14th Century Earth, would you attempt to get back to the 20th century or would you try to gradually settle into this world and explain your crazy moon ideas to a people who will deem you so insane that they will try and set you on fire for heresy?

BUZZ: Hmmm…

Buzz and Neil look at each other confused.

WILSON: Well, let’s skip that one for now. Neil, if Buzz was suffering from what scientists refer to as moon fever, would you shoot him even if he begged you and claimed that he didn’t actually have moon fever at all…

NASA: Um, Mr. Wilson, I can’t help but notice that none of the questions that you asked were on the preliminary list that your company sent me this morning.

WILSON: That’s because I’m not from the insurance company. (pulling a gun) I’m from the Soviet Space Program!

Scary music plays.

VOICE: Will Neil and Buzz ever make it to the moon? Tune in to next week’s episode of “Neil and Buzz’s Mission to the Moon” and find out!

Harlequin Rejection Letter

2010-01-31T19:49:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your submission to Harlequin Romance. Unfortunately, we cannot accept your submission. Some of the incidents in your manuscript do not entirely correspond to the usual standards of the typical Harlequin Romance novel. Often, in more conventional stories, the central characters have a legitimate job, like "doctor" or "humble tycoon". Your central character, Ben, despite being "rich like a royal flush" seems to do nothing other than drive around aimlessly and occasionally push someone down the stairs. It's not quite clear how Ben meets Alison but it seems they are at some kind of illegal dog fight which, to be honest, threw us for a loop. Also, we think that Alison should charm Ben on the first date by cooking his favourite meal for dinner rather than giving him a "Hot Carl" while he watches Scarface. We were surprised too that when Ben feels pleasure, you describe his groin as being "hotter than dog shit in a skillet". This really took us out of the mood and we found it difficult to see the romantic nature of this encounter. At any rate, while we feel elements of your story show a great deal of creativity (particularly the well drawn illustrations that are currently under investigation) it is just not the right project for us at this time. Keep reading Harlequin!

Yours truly,
Judy Nightingale

Full of Pep Talk

2010-01-18T22:46:00.001-05:00

CAPTAIN: I'm going to be honest with you men. We face a difficult battle today. Quite possibly the most difficult battle of our lives. The enemy that we are about to fight have spent the past few months preparing and training for this day, while we have spent most of that time gambling. They have state of the art weapons and technology, while our guns have gone missing. They have the kind of comraderie and brotherhood that we, with our hurtful namecalling and bizarre hazing rituals, could only ever dream of. They also do not suffer from the kind of drug induced schizophrenia that many of you have been afflicted with ever since that party at my house. Most of all, they have gumption, and I have yet to find out what that even means. The important thing for you to take away here though is this: the title of "Captain" is not just something I won in a card game. It is also my real first name! I just thought you all should know that.

Bloody Neighbours!

2010-01-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

My neighbours told me that they were going to pray for my soul, which I thought was a sweet gesture given that I had just driven over their son.

Rules of Conduct

2010-01-12T13:00:00.002-05:00

Glen Woods Junior High School has been asked to respond to several incidents that occurred during last year's wrestling season. Please observe the following rules that are to be adhered throughout the upcoming year. Failure of compliance with these rules will be met with indefinite suspension from the wrestling team, or ban from this year's semi-formal.

Rule #1: Do not attack your opponent with a folding chair. Baseball bats are also frowned upon. Abstain from breaking an ottoman over the head of the other player. The ladder is for gym maintenance only. Candlesticks will not even be allowed into the room.

Rule #2: Try to place more of an emphasis on wrestling and less of an emphasis on character arc.

Rule #3: Dragging your opponent around the gymnasium by his long blond wig is now considered an illegal move.

Rule #4: Avoid flying into the gymnasium using a complex series of ropes, wires, and pulleys. Please use either the southwest or southeast doors. Also, rolling in by barrel is discouraged. Appearing amidst a cloud of dry ice is not a good idea either. Any attempt at catapulting yourself onto the wrestling mat by cannon or rocket launcher is entirely out of the question.

Rule #5: It's wrestling, not "wrastlin'".

Rule #6: If a midget happens to wander into the gymnasium, he or she shall not be used as a weapon in any way.

Rule #7: Stop stealing makeup from Mrs. Butterfield's drama class in order to "enhance" your performance.

Rule #8: Please wear only your school uniform at sports meets. The flame patterned spandex one-piece with a tie will not be considered official.

Rule #9: The referee is a close personal friend of the school's principal and has children. Stop lighting his beard on fire.

Rule #10: Identify your student card clearly. The player who has been going by the name "Spitfire Cowboy" is not an official student at the school. He's just some bum who wandered in off the street one day.

Rule #11: The only move that leads to victory is pinning your opponent. We will not accept the move where both players squeeze each other's heads simultaneously until they flail apart from each other and fall to the ground.

Rule #12: Try to have fun. After all, it's a game!

I Saw You

2009-12-09T23:14:00.003-05:00

We rode the 14 bus together today. You, long blonde hair with a cute smile. Me, short brown hair and repeatedly looking in your direction. You got off at Stop 8. I followed you for about ten minutes until you started dodging down side streets and alleyways making frantic phone calls. Would love to meet for coffee sometime.

No Bones About It

2009-12-08T18:02:00.006-05:00

In Grade 10 biology, we had a real life skeleton in our classroom. Sometimes, Mr. Belton would make the skeleton do funny things like point at all of us or eat a sandwich and then force vomit. In many ways, the skeleton was just like any other student in the classroom except he wouldn't take any tests and he was all bones. I would often spend most of the class staring at the skeleton thinking, man, I wish I was a skeleton. One day, we came to class and the skeleton was gone. "What's going on?" I asked. "Where's old Skully?" The class looked confused. "You know. The skeleton." The class told me that the day before, Mr. Belton had made an annoucement that the skeleton would be going away because it was causing a distraction to some students which I guess I didn't hear for some reason. Well, I started crying and when Mr. Belton came in, I demanded to know where the skeleton was. "I'm sorry," said Mr. Belton, "but the skeleton is gone." I couldn't believe it! I went into a mad rage and started banging on the closet at the back of the room. But as I was banging, guess what fell out of the closet? It was the remains of a dead person!!!! I had never been so scared in my life.

Treasure in the Night

2009-11-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

She was not just any prostitute. She was a prostitute with a vagina of gold.

Scare Scars

2009-11-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

As a child, my favourite treat to get on Hallowe'en was the candy that contained the sharp, jagged, glass-like centre.

Things I Believe

2009-10-09T13:00:00.001-04:00

Yes, cocaine can destroy your life and everything you hold dear. But at the end of the day, you will still be the loudest and most obnoxious person in the room and no one can ever take that away from you.

Quantum Never Crashed

2009-10-07T21:17:00.001-04:00

Oh, sure. When Scott Bakula does it, it's fine, but when I "leap" into someone's body without permission, it's considered a criminal offence.

Last Thoughts

2009-10-04T21:39:00.004-04:00

The moment we had all been waiting for had finally arrived - our plane was crashing. As the captain made the announcement to the passengers, I was surprised how calm and collected he sounded, though it was difficult to hear over my crazed screaming. Then I looked around and thought, it's funny how people react differently in times of crisis. In one direction, people were panicking and flailing. In another direction, children were singing as if they didn't have a care in the world. But, as someone pointed out, that was just the movie.

I wondered how I would be remembered around the office. Would it be for what my boss called my "hands-on approach" or would it be for the time I was caught groping the secretary? During moments like this, you begin to reconsider all of your life choices, and I was tormented. Why!? Why didn't I ask for that cup of coffee sooner!? And, as the plane got closer and closer to hitting the ground, I could only think of one thing: it's time to quit smoking.

Editor's Note: You may be wondering how the victim of a plane crash could tell his story. If so, you are quite naive about ghost skills.

Things I Believe

2009-10-02T23:15:00.002-04:00

When people are at their lowest point, they need to hear good things. So when Ben told me that he had two months to live, I said that I would be at a resort in Cuba during that time.

Poll of the Month

2009-09-30T22:39:00.000-04:00

Poll Question: What should be next month's Poll of the Month question?

- Funniest Tombstone Epitaph
- Best Sitcom Title from the Elizabethan Era
- Most Hilarious Alternative Definition For the Word "Diphtheria"
- Tastiest Letter in Alphabet Soup
- What should be NEXT month's poll of the month?

Word On The Street

2009-09-29T10:52:00.000-04:00

"I can't explain why our son decided to become a male gigolo. But I categorically deny that it is related to the fact that we named him Dr. Delicious."

Fallen Arches

2009-09-26T13:00:00.003-04:00

MANAGER: Your name is?

BILL: Bill Alford.

MANAGER: And the job you’re applying for?

BILL: Hamburglar.

MANAGER: Excellent. Have you ever been a mascot before?

BILL: No, this would be the first time.

MANAGER: (writing down) I see. And you enjoy hamburgers?

BILL: Oh, yes.

MANAGER: Enjoy them enough to burgle them?

Pause.

BILL: Maybe.

MANAGER: (writing down) Okay. Have you burgled many burgers in the past?

BILL: Not too many.

MANAGER: If you were to attach a number to it?

BILL: Zero.

MANAGER: Ah. (writing down)

BILL: Is that bad?

MANAGER: No, it’s good! We are a company opposed to burglary even if it’s hamburglary.

BILL: Oh good.

MANAGER: Would you be okay with getting in mock fights with Grimace?

BILL: Who?

MANAGER: Grimace. He steals milkshakes.

BILL: Oh. I guess I could, yes.

MANAGER: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and the Grimace?

BILL: A real fight or a mock fight?

MANAGER: Hmmm, good question. Let’s go with real.

BILL: Am I dressed up as the hamburglar?

MANAGER: No, you’re you. This is you, Bill Alford vs. Grimace.

BILL: I don’t even know who Grimace is.

MANAGER: He’s a big purple Wumpus.

BILL: Oh, I see.

MANAGER: Yes. Between you and me, he once tried to poison Mayor McCheese.

BILL: Who did? The performer? To be honest, I’m lost.

The phone rings.

MANAGER: (picking up the phone) Hello? Yes? Right. Right! I’ll be right there. (hangs up; to Bill) Sorry, I got to run. A bunch of crazed Irishmen downtown are demanding fifty Shamrock Shakes in the middle of November!

BILL: Wow.

MANAGER: Incidentally, you have the job if you’re up for the challenge. Please sign the contracts that are in the top left drawer of my desk. There is also a hamburger in there but it’s my lunch. Don’t steal it. Take care!

Manager exits. Curtain falls. Audience begins to re-consider life choices up to this point.

Things I Believe

2009-09-25T12:19:00.001-04:00

It is not a good idea to play tricks on people when they are on their deathbeds because there is nothing worse than an angry ghost.

A Bold Strategy

2009-09-23T21:11:00.001-04:00

SOLDIER: Captain, do you really expect us to go into battle without any weapons?

CAPTAIN: Yes, I think we can handle it. And also the enemy will never see it coming. They will be stunned that we have no weapons of any kind while they have a vast stockpile of weapons. That's when we start punching and kicking.

SOLDIER: I just think that it seems a bit risky if they have a lot of guns and we have no guns.

CAPTAIN: (pounding the table) Risk is our business, dammit!

For Your Enlightenment

2009-09-22T12:36:00.003-04:00

Okay, here's something that happened to me recently. I am in Church, like I am every Sunday, and I am called upon to take the Eucharist. So I go up with everyone else, race right to the front of the line, pushing people out of the way, because I really got to get that Eucharist. And I drink from the Holy cup, and I bend over to eat of the bread when WHAM! the priest knees me in the nose. I couldn't believe it! My nose actually started bleeding he kneed me so hard.

I looked around to see if anyone noticed, but no one did! Then I heard the priest say: "This is my body. This is my blood." So I said, "No. This is MY body. And this is MY blood." The priest gave me a puzzled look and so did everyone else in line. I thought then that I must have made some grave error, and that the priest didn't knee me in the nose at all. Then, all of a sudden, the priest said that he saw a miracle at the back of the Church. We all turned around to look, and while my back was turned, he hit me on the head with some kind of book he was holding. I was like, what!!?? I turned around to confront him and he pretended like nothing had happened but for some reason he couldn't stop giggling.

I was pretty upset at this point, but I just ended up going back to my seat. But when I got back to my seat I discovered that while I was up receiving the Eucharist, someone had taken my gun! The gun that I had left sitting on my seat for safe keeping. When I got home, I gave all this a great deal of thought. And I now believe that the priest didn't knee me in the nose, or hit me on the head, or steal my weapon at all. God did.

Things I Believe

2009-09-18T19:01:00.001-04:00

If I were the leader of a country, I would have all my citizens remove their pants and take all their pants from their home and put them in one big communal "safe pants zone" way outside the country, just in case the next leader was crazy and tried to outlaw pants or something.

A Good Memory

2009-09-17T13:55:00.000-04:00

FATHER: Remember the other night when I told you that if you didn't go to sleep, the tickle monster would come and get you?

SON: Yes.

FATHER: Well, I have some good news. Yesterday I looked in your closet and the tickle monster is dead.

Gripes

2009-09-15T19:05:00.002-04:00

Turns out, if I order the 35 cent wings special and don't finish my wings, I can't get them wrapped up at the end of the night. Thanks again, "science".

Deleted Lines From My Latest Upcoming Play

2009-09-13T18:42:00.001-04:00

Deleted for time, not quality:

"Read my lips: the monkey stays"

"I think we all know what's responsible for school shootings: the rising popularity of observational comedy!"

"Paper, rocks, scissors, herpes"

"'You are struggling with addiction and I'm here to help'
'Leave me alone, Eddie Murphy!'"

"So this is where the blender was invented!"

"That's not a cyst. It's my mother-in-law."

"Great necktie! And I'm not saying that just because you're dying."

"If you watch Back to the Future on mute and play the soundtrack to Back to the Future simultaneously, whoa, baby!"

"Hmmm, I don't like the look of that panda."

"Don't-a make-a Luigi come uppa there."

"Sure he was a homicidal maniac. But he was also my distant cousin twice-removed."

"I will reject your offer of a million dollars and an evening of passionate sex and instead go for the mystery box."

"Take off those Spock ears! This is a business meeting!"

"Yep, there was no doubt about it. Darryl was the biggest scumbag on the playground."

"All I need is one thin dime. And then it's ka-blammo for Idaho."

Keep reading for further updates on my play, Dracula vs. Sandy Koufax

It Just Goes To Show Ya

2009-09-12T13:06:00.004-04:00

There was a kid in my hometown when I was growing up, and nobody ever thought that anything would come of him. He was a born rebel - he hated authority and authority didn't have much time for him either. He would often come to class drunk off some stuff he found in his parents' liquor cabinet, or that was the conclusion that the teachers reached anyway. He was the kind of kid in the neighbourhood that parents were afraid of - and he was often used as an example. "Don't act like him," our parents would say - "he has a very troubled future ahead of him". One day, the kid just up and disappeared, right in the middle of a church sermon on how to be serious upstanding citizens. He disappeared for what seemed like forever, but it was probably shorter than that. The legend has it that he was tired of taking everyone's crap - but you know how it is with legends. He was the kid that nobody had any faith in. But that kid grew up. And he turned out to be just a lazy asshole who lives at the end of my street.

Things I Believe

2009-09-11T12:47:00.003-04:00

I believe that if a clown is really entertaining, we should give him a free kill.

Bored of Education

2009-09-09T15:25:00.001-04:00

Least constructive comment on my Grade 2 report card: "Jesse really puts the 'crap' in scrapbook".

Coconut Scream

2009-09-08T16:01:00.001-04:00

WAITER: Is there anything else I can get you, sir?

MAN: What are your desserts?

WAITER: We have blueberry cheesecake, chocolate volcano, monster pie, apple…

MAN: Whoa, whoa. How’s the monster pie?

WAITER: It’s delicious!

MAN: There aren’t any monsters in it, are there?

WAITER: Well, there are some monsters, yes.

MAN: Yikes. Are they scary?

WAITER: Yes, they can be scary.

MAN: Are the monsters still alive!!??

WAITER: Yes, and many of them are quite angry that they’re in a pie.

MAN: Hmmm…and the other monsters?

WAITER: The others are mostly just confused.

MAN: Can I get it without the monsters?

WAITER: Not really. It’s monster pie.

MAN: Okay. Well, give me a slice but tell the chef to go easy on the monsters.

WAITER: (writing) Suuuurre. (walks away, shaking head)

Prediction:

2009-09-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

Once we have the ability to time travel, it will be a very popular pastime for men who can tell their younger selves that they still haven’t kissed a girl.