Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rules of Conduct

Glen Woods Junior High School has been asked to respond to several incidents that occurred during last year's wrestling season.  Please observe the following rules that are to be adhered throughout the upcoming year.  Failure of compliance with these rules will be met with indefinite suspension from the wrestling team, or ban from this year's semi-formal. 

Rule #1: Do not attack your opponent with a folding chair.  Baseball bats are also frowned upon.  Abstain from breaking an ottoman over the head of the other player.  The ladder is for gym maintenance only.  Candlesticks will not even be allowed into the room.

Rule #2: Try to place more of an emphasis on wrestling and less of an emphasis on character arc.

Rule #3: Dragging your opponent around the gymnasium by his long blond wig is now considered an illegal move.

Rule #4: Avoid flying into the gymnasium using a complex series of ropes, wires, and pulleys.  Please use either the southwest or southeast doors.  Also, rolling in by barrel is discouraged.  Appearing amidst a cloud of dry ice is not a good idea either.  Any attempt at catapulting yourself onto the wrestling mat by cannon or rocket launcher is entirely out of the question.

Rule #5: It's wrestling, not "wrastlin'".

Rule #6: If a midget happens to wander into the gymnasium, he or she shall not be used as a weapon in any way.

Rule #7: Stop stealing makeup from Mrs. Butterfield's drama class in order to "enhance" your performance.

Rule #8: Please wear only your school uniform at sports meets.  The flame patterned spandex one-piece with a tie will not be considered official.

Rule #9: The referee is a close personal friend of the school's principal and has children.  Stop lighting his beard on fire.

Rule #10: Identify your student card clearly.  The player who has been going by the name "Spitfire Cowboy" is not an official student at the school.  He's just some bum who wandered in off the street one day.

Rule #11: The only move that leads to victory is pinning your opponent.  We will not accept the move where both players squeeze each other's heads simultaneously until they flail apart from each other and fall to the ground.

Rule #12: Try to have fun.  After all, it's a game!

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