Sunday, January 31, 2010

Harlequin Rejection Letter

Thank you for your submission to Harlequin Romance.  Unfortunately, we cannot accept your submission.  Some of the incidents in your manuscript do not entirely correspond to the usual standards of the typical Harlequin Romance novel.  Often, in more conventional stories, the central characters have a legitimate job, like "doctor" or "humble tycoon".  Your central character, Ben, despite being "rich like a royal flush" seems to do nothing other than drive around aimlessly and occasionally push someone down the stairs.  It's not quite clear how Ben meets Alison but it seems they are at some kind of illegal dog fight which, to be honest, threw us for a loop.  Also, we think that Alison should charm Ben on the first date by cooking his favourite meal for dinner rather than giving him a "Hot Carl" while he watches Scarface.  We were surprised too that when Ben feels pleasure, you describe his groin as being "hotter than dog shit in a skillet".  This really took us out of the mood and we found it difficult to see the romantic nature of this encounter.  At any rate, while we feel elements of your story show a great deal of creativity (particularly the well drawn illustrations that are currently under investigation) it is just not the right project for us at this time.  Keep reading Harlequin!

Yours truly,
Judy Nightingale

Monday, January 18, 2010

Full of Pep Talk

CAPTAIN: I'm going to be honest with you men.  We face a difficult battle today.  Quite possibly the most difficult battle of our lives.  The enemy that we are about to fight have spent the past few months preparing and training for this day, while we have spent most of that time gambling.  They have state of the art weapons and technology, while our guns have gone missing.  They have the kind of comraderie and brotherhood that we, with our hurtful namecalling and bizarre hazing rituals, could only ever dream of.  They also do not suffer from the kind of drug induced schizophrenia that many of you have been afflicted with ever since that party at my house.  Most of all, they have gumption, and I have yet to find out what that even means.  The important thing for you to take away here though is this: the title of "Captain" is not just something I won in a card game.  It is also my real first name!  I just thought you all should know that.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Bloody Neighbours!

My neighbours told me that they were going to pray for my soul, which I thought was a sweet gesture given that I had just driven over their son.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rules of Conduct

Glen Woods Junior High School has been asked to respond to several incidents that occurred during last year's wrestling season.  Please observe the following rules that are to be adhered throughout the upcoming year.  Failure of compliance with these rules will be met with indefinite suspension from the wrestling team, or ban from this year's semi-formal. 

Rule #1: Do not attack your opponent with a folding chair.  Baseball bats are also frowned upon.  Abstain from breaking an ottoman over the head of the other player.  The ladder is for gym maintenance only.  Candlesticks will not even be allowed into the room.

Rule #2: Try to place more of an emphasis on wrestling and less of an emphasis on character arc.

Rule #3: Dragging your opponent around the gymnasium by his long blond wig is now considered an illegal move.

Rule #4: Avoid flying into the gymnasium using a complex series of ropes, wires, and pulleys.  Please use either the southwest or southeast doors.  Also, rolling in by barrel is discouraged.  Appearing amidst a cloud of dry ice is not a good idea either.  Any attempt at catapulting yourself onto the wrestling mat by cannon or rocket launcher is entirely out of the question.

Rule #5: It's wrestling, not "wrastlin'".

Rule #6: If a midget happens to wander into the gymnasium, he or she shall not be used as a weapon in any way.

Rule #7: Stop stealing makeup from Mrs. Butterfield's drama class in order to "enhance" your performance.

Rule #8: Please wear only your school uniform at sports meets.  The flame patterned spandex one-piece with a tie will not be considered official.

Rule #9: The referee is a close personal friend of the school's principal and has children.  Stop lighting his beard on fire.

Rule #10: Identify your student card clearly.  The player who has been going by the name "Spitfire Cowboy" is not an official student at the school.  He's just some bum who wandered in off the street one day.

Rule #11: The only move that leads to victory is pinning your opponent.  We will not accept the move where both players squeeze each other's heads simultaneously until they flail apart from each other and fall to the ground.

Rule #12: Try to have fun.  After all, it's a game!