Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Poll of the Month

Poll Question: What should be next month's Poll of the Month question?

- Funniest Tombstone Epitaph
- Best Sitcom Title from the Elizabethan Era
- Most Hilarious Alternative Definition For the Word "Diphtheria"
- Tastiest Letter in Alphabet Soup
- What should be NEXT month's poll of the month?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Word On The Street

"I can't explain why our son decided to become a male gigolo.  But I categorically deny that it is related to the fact that we named him Dr. Delicious."

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Fallen Arches

MANAGER: Your name is?

BILL: Bill Alford.

MANAGER: And the job you’re applying for?

BILL: Hamburglar.

MANAGER: Excellent. Have you ever been a mascot before?

BILL: No, this would be the first time.

MANAGER: (writing down) I see. And you enjoy hamburgers?

BILL: Oh, yes.

MANAGER: Enjoy them enough to burgle them?


BILL: Maybe.

MANAGER: (writing down) Okay. Have you burgled many burgers in the past?

BILL: Not too many.

MANAGER: If you were to attach a number to it?

BILL: Zero.

MANAGER: Ah. (writing down)

BILL: Is that bad?

MANAGER: No, it’s good! We are a company opposed to burglary even if it’s hamburglary.

BILL: Oh good.

MANAGER: Would you be okay with getting in mock fights with Grimace?

BILL: Who?

MANAGER: Grimace. He steals milkshakes.

BILL: Oh. I guess I could, yes.

MANAGER: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and the Grimace?

BILL: A real fight or a mock fight?

MANAGER: Hmmm, good question. Let’s go with real.

BILL: Am I dressed up as the hamburglar?

MANAGER: No, you’re you. This is you, Bill Alford vs. Grimace.

BILL: I don’t even know who Grimace is.

MANAGER: He’s a big purple Wumpus.

BILL: Oh, I see.

MANAGER: Yes. Between you and me, he once tried to poison Mayor McCheese.

BILL: Who did? The performer? To be honest, I’m lost.

The phone rings.

MANAGER: (picking up the phone) Hello? Yes? Right. Right! I’ll be right there. (hangs up; to Bill) Sorry, I got to run. A bunch of crazed Irishmen downtown are demanding fifty Shamrock Shakes in the middle of November!

BILL: Wow.

MANAGER: Incidentally, you have the job if you’re up for the challenge. Please sign the contracts that are in the top left drawer of my desk. There is also a hamburger in there but it’s my lunch. Don’t steal it. Take care!

Manager exits. Curtain falls. Audience begins to re-consider life choices up to this point.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Things I Believe

It is not a good idea to play tricks on people when they are on their deathbeds because there is nothing worse than an angry ghost.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A Bold Strategy

SOLDIER: Captain, do you really expect us to go into battle without any weapons?

CAPTAIN: Yes, I think we can handle it.  And also the enemy will never see it coming.  They will be stunned that we have no weapons of any kind while they have a vast stockpile of weapons.  That's when we start punching and kicking.

SOLDIER: I just think that it seems a bit risky if they have a lot of guns and we have no guns.

CAPTAIN: (pounding the table) Risk is our business, dammit!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

For Your Enlightenment

Okay, here's something that happened to me recently.  I am in Church, like I am every Sunday, and I am called upon to take the Eucharist.  So I go up with everyone else, race right to the front of the line, pushing people out of the way, because I really got to get that Eucharist.  And I drink from the Holy cup, and I bend over to eat of the bread when WHAM! the priest knees me in the nose.  I couldn't believe it!  My nose actually started bleeding he kneed me so hard.

I looked around to see if anyone noticed, but no one did!  Then I heard the priest say: "This is my body.  This is my blood."  So I said, "No.  This is MY body.  And this is MY blood."  The priest gave me a puzzled look and so did everyone else in line.  I thought then that I must have made some grave error, and that the priest didn't knee me in the nose at all.  Then, all of a sudden, the priest said that he saw a miracle at the back of the Church.  We all turned around to look, and while my back was turned, he hit me on the head with some kind of book he was holding.  I was like, what!!??  I turned around to confront him and he pretended like nothing had happened but for some reason he couldn't stop giggling.

I was pretty upset at this point, but I just ended up going back to my seat.  But when I got back to my seat I discovered that while I was up receiving the Eucharist, someone had taken my gun!  The gun that I had left sitting on my seat for safe keeping.  When I got home, I gave all this a great deal of thought.  And I now believe that the priest didn't knee me in the nose, or hit me on the head, or steal my weapon at all.  God did.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Things I Believe

If I were the leader of a country, I would have all my citizens remove their pants and take all their pants from their home and put them in one big communal "safe pants zone" way outside the country, just in case the next leader was crazy and tried to outlaw pants or something.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Good Memory

FATHER: Remember the other night when I told you that if you didn't go to sleep, the tickle monster would come and get you?

SON: Yes.

FATHER: Well, I have some good news.  Yesterday I looked in your closet and the tickle monster is dead.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


 Turns out, if I order the 35 cent wings special and don't finish my wings, I can't get them wrapped up at the end of the night.  Thanks again, "science".

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Deleted Lines From My Latest Upcoming Play

Deleted for time, not quality:

"Read my lips: the monkey stays"

"I think we all know what's responsible for school shootings: the rising popularity of observational comedy!"

"Paper, rocks, scissors, herpes"

"'You are struggling with addiction and I'm here to help'
'Leave me alone, Eddie Murphy!'"

"So this is where the blender was invented!"

"That's not a cyst.  It's my mother-in-law."

"Great necktie!  And I'm not saying that just because you're dying."

"If you watch Back to the Future on mute and play the soundtrack to Back to the Future simultaneously, whoa, baby!"

"Hmmm, I don't like the look of that panda."

"Don't-a make-a Luigi come uppa there."

"Sure he was a homicidal maniac.  But he was also my distant cousin twice-removed."

"I will reject your offer of a million dollars and an evening of passionate sex and instead go for the mystery box."

"Take off those Spock ears!  This is a business meeting!"

"Yep, there was no doubt about it.  Darryl was the biggest scumbag on the playground."

"All I need is one thin dime.  And then it's ka-blammo for Idaho."

Keep reading for further updates on my play, Dracula vs. Sandy Koufax

Saturday, September 12, 2009

It Just Goes To Show Ya

There was a kid in my hometown when I was growing up, and nobody ever thought that anything would come of him.  He was a born rebel - he hated authority and authority didn't have much time for him either.  He would often come to class drunk off some stuff he found in his parents' liquor cabinet, or that was the conclusion that the teachers reached anyway.  He was the kind of kid in the neighbourhood that parents were afraid of - and he was often used as an example.  "Don't act like him," our parents would say - "he has a very troubled future ahead of him".  One day, the kid just up and disappeared, right in the middle of a church sermon on how to be serious upstanding citizens.  He disappeared for what seemed like forever, but it was probably shorter than that.  The legend has it that he was tired of taking everyone's crap - but you know how it is with legends.  He was the kid that nobody had any faith in.  But that kid grew up.  And he turned out to be just a lazy asshole who lives at the end of my street.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Things I Believe

I believe that if a clown is really entertaining, we should give him a free kill.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Bored of Education

Least constructive comment on my Grade 2 report card: "Jesse really puts the 'crap' in scrapbook".

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Coconut Scream

WAITER: Is there anything else I can get you, sir?

MAN: What are your desserts?

WAITER: We have blueberry cheesecake, chocolate volcano, monster pie, apple…

MAN: Whoa, whoa. How’s the monster pie?

WAITER: It’s delicious!

MAN: There aren’t any monsters in it, are there?

WAITER: Well, there are some monsters, yes.

MAN: Yikes. Are they scary?

WAITER: Yes, they can be scary.

MAN: Are the monsters still alive!!??

WAITER: Yes, and many of them are quite angry that they’re in a pie.

MAN: Hmmm…and the other monsters?

WAITER: The others are mostly just confused.

MAN: Can I get it without the monsters?

WAITER: Not really. It’s monster pie.

MAN: Okay. Well, give me a slice but tell the chef to go easy on the monsters.

WAITER: (writing) Suuuurre. (walks away, shaking head)

Monday, September 7, 2009


Once we have the ability to time travel, it will be a very popular pastime for men who can tell their younger selves that they still haven’t kissed a girl.