My Ambitions II

I have this secret wish and that is to have a piece of melon that wields so much power that I can go up to a large crowd of people and say, "Bow down and worship my melon" and they do!  This may sound silly to you, but the truth is, you will die someday.

Bloody Neighbours!

My neighbours told me that they were going to pray for my soul, which I thought was a sweet gesture given that I had just driven over their son.

No Bones About It

In Grade 10 biology, we had a real life skeleton in our classroom.  Sometimes, Mr. Belton would make the skeleton do funny things like point at all of us or eat a sandwich and then force vomit.  In many ways, the skeleton was just like any other student in the classroom except he wouldn't take any tests and he was all bones.  I would often spend most of the class staring at the skeleton thinking, man, I wish I was a skeleton.  One day, we came to class and the skeleton was gone.  "What's going on?" I asked.  "Where's old Skully?"  The class looked confused.  "You know.  The skeleton."  The class told me that the day before, Mr. Belton had made an annoucement that the skeleton would be going away because it was causing a distraction to some students which I guess I didn't hear for some reason.  Well, I started crying and when Mr. Belton came in, I demanded to know where the skeleton was.  "I'm sorry," said Mr. Belton, "but the skeleton is gone."  I couldn't believe it!  I went into a mad rage and started banging on the closet at the back of the room.  But as I was banging, guess what fell out of the closet?  It was the remains of a dead person!!!!  I had never been so scared in my life.

Last Thoughts

The moment we had all been waiting for had finally arrived - our plane was crashing.  As the captain made the announcement to the passengers, I was surprised how calm and collected he sounded, though it was difficult to hear over my crazed screaming.  Then I looked around and thought, it's funny how people react differently in times of crisis.  In one direction, people were panicking and flailing.  In another direction, children were singing as if they didn't have a care in the world.  But, as someone pointed out, that was just the movie.

I wondered how I would be remembered around the office.  Would it be for what my boss called my "hands-on approach" or would it be for the time I was caught groping the secretary?  During moments like this, you begin to reconsider all of your life choices, and I was tormented.  Why!?  Why didn't I ask for that cup of coffee sooner!?  And, as the plane got closer and closer to hitting the ground, I could only think of one thing: it's time to quit smoking.


Editor's Note: You may be wondering how the victim of a plane crash could tell his story. If so, you are quite naive about ghost skills.

Things I Believe

When people are at their lowest point, they need to hear good things.  So when Ben told me that he had two months to live, I said that I would be at a resort in Cuba during that time.

Things I Believe

It is not a good idea to play tricks on people when they are on their deathbeds because there is nothing worse than an angry ghost.