Tales From the Underworld!!!

Two Demons are chatting at a Demon retreat.

DEMON #1: So then what happened?

DEMON #2: Well, then I took the guy out back and…(whispers) ripped out his heart.

DEMON #1: Why are you whispering? We are surrounded by demons.

 ***

VAMPIRE: Look, Count Dracula, I’ve brought you some fresh virginal blood.

DRACULA: Whoa, happy birthday to me!

VAMPIRE: Wait…it’s your birthday?

DRACULA: No, it’s an expression. (rolls eyes)

 ***

MAN: Thanks a lot, Evil Santa! You've ruined Christmas again.

EVIL SANTA: Bwohohohoho.

 ***

GHOST #1: What do you want to do tonight?

GHOST #2: I don’t know. Haunt someone?

GHOST #1: Ahhh!!!! You are such a bourgeois cliché!

 ***

ZOMBIE: Brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 2: ….Brains…brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 3: Actually, I think I’m going to hit the ol’ hot dog stand.

*** 

A company of hellish ghouls gather to hear Satan’s weekly speech. Satan enters, and the awful crowd hushes. Just as Satan is about to get to the podium, he trips on a chair, falls off the stage into the orchestra pit of hell. The crowd is stunned silent. Satan, though, recovers and bounces up, saying:

SATAN: Live from Hell, it’s Saturday night!

The crowd is confused.

SATAN: Oh, fuck you people. (Satan walks off)

A Likely Scenario

What if the Headless Horseman drove a public transit bus? It might go something like this:

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: That'll be $2.75 please.

MAN: (putting change into slot) Whoa, dude, you don't have a head.

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I know. Crazy, right? By the way, I think you only put in $2.50.

MAN: How did you even get a job as a bus driver when you don't have a head?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I did well on the test. And the interview was good. Um, listen, about that extra twenty-five cents...

MAN: I mean, can you see the road? How can you drive?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: It's actually not bad. I used to be a horseman. Now, listen, I'm serious. This bus isn't going to move unless you pay the full fare.

MAN: How are you even talking right now?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I can wait here all day.

Last Thoughts

The moment we had all been waiting for had finally arrived - our plane was crashing.  As the captain made the announcement to the passengers, I was surprised how calm and collected he sounded, though it was difficult to hear over my crazed screaming.  Then I looked around and thought, it's funny how people react differently in times of crisis.  In one direction, people were panicking and flailing.  In another direction, children were singing as if they didn't have a care in the world.  But, as someone pointed out, that was just the movie.

I wondered how I would be remembered around the office.  Would it be for what my boss called my "hands-on approach" or would it be for the time I was caught groping the secretary?  During moments like this, you begin to reconsider all of your life choices, and I was tormented.  Why!?  Why didn't I ask for that cup of coffee sooner!?  And, as the plane got closer and closer to hitting the ground, I could only think of one thing: it's time to quit smoking.


Editor's Note: You may be wondering how the victim of a plane crash could tell his story. If so, you are quite naive about ghost skills.

Things I Believe

It is not a good idea to play tricks on people when they are on their deathbeds because there is nothing worse than an angry ghost.