My Ambitions II

I have this secret wish and that is to have a piece of melon that wields so much power that I can go up to a large crowd of people and say, "Bow down and worship my melon" and they do!  This may sound silly to you, but the truth is, you will die someday.

Fallen Arches

MANAGER: Your name is?

BILL: Bill Alford.

MANAGER: And the job you’re applying for?

BILL: Hamburglar.

MANAGER: Excellent. Have you ever been a mascot before?

BILL: No, this would be the first time.

MANAGER: (writing down) I see. And you enjoy hamburgers?

BILL: Oh, yes.

MANAGER: Enjoy them enough to burgle them?



Pause.



BILL: Maybe.

MANAGER: (writing down) Okay. Have you burgled many burgers in the past?

BILL: Not too many.

MANAGER: If you were to attach a number to it?

BILL: Zero.

MANAGER: Ah. (writing down)

BILL: Is that bad?

MANAGER: No, it’s good! We are a company opposed to burglary even if it’s hamburglary.

BILL: Oh good.

MANAGER: Would you be okay with getting in mock fights with Grimace?

BILL: Who?

MANAGER: Grimace. He steals milkshakes.

BILL: Oh. I guess I could, yes.

MANAGER: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and the Grimace?

BILL: A real fight or a mock fight?

MANAGER: Hmmm, good question. Let’s go with real.

BILL: Am I dressed up as the hamburglar?

MANAGER: No, you’re you. This is you, Bill Alford vs. Grimace.

BILL: I don’t even know who Grimace is.

MANAGER: He’s a big purple Wumpus.

BILL: Oh, I see.

MANAGER: Yes. Between you and me, he once tried to poison Mayor McCheese.

BILL: Who did? The performer? To be honest, I’m lost.



The phone rings.



MANAGER: (picking up the phone) Hello? Yes? Right. Right! I’ll be right there. (hangs up; to Bill) Sorry, I got to run. A bunch of crazed Irishmen downtown are demanding fifty Shamrock Shakes in the middle of November!

BILL: Wow.

MANAGER: Incidentally, you have the job if you’re up for the challenge. Please sign the contracts that are in the top left drawer of my desk. There is also a hamburger in there but it’s my lunch. Don’t steal it. Take care!



Manager exits. Curtain falls. Audience begins to re-consider life choices up to this point.

Gripes

 Turns out, if I order the 35 cent wings special and don't finish my wings, I can't get them wrapped up at the end of the night.  Thanks again, "science".