Too Much Money

I considered yesterday that maybe I have too much money. As I was taking fistfuls of bills and throwing them up into the air and then shooting at them with my gun, I thought, do I have too much money? One time, I paid the world’s wealthiest man (who I could get on the phone) to spell out my full name across the entire continent of South America, using only hundred dollar bills from my bank account. And the worst part is, you can just barely make out my name from space. That was one time when I wondered out loud, is it possible I have too much money? There was a time when I paid big bucks to ride atop of an elephant whilst feeding the elephant stacks of my money. At that point, I think, I definitely had too much money. And also a drinking problem. The way the elephant was looking at me should have made me feel ashamed. Instead, I said, “I’m not feeding you all this money just to guilt trip me.” And the elephant then gave a look like I made a good point. Still, I think I realized that I really hit bottom just yesterday, when I took fistfuls of bills and threw them up in the air and then shot them with my gun. I probably should have ended with that instead of beginning with it. Still, that elephant thing was pretty good.

A Giant Leap

NASA: Mr. Wilson, meet the men that will be travelling on the first ever space mission to the moon, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.

WILSON: Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to meet you. As far as I’m concerned you are doing this country a tremendous service in taking part in what is surely to be either one of the most momentous moments in human history or the most tragic catastrophe ever to be witnessed on television.


Armstrong and Aldrin look at each other.


WILSON: Gentlemen, as the President of the insurance company that insures the life of all NASA employees, I have a few standard rudimentary questions for you. (looks down at sheet) First, are you familiar with all 48 policies in the NASA spacecraft safety act and would you be able to state them all if asked?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: When taking the spacecraft to the moon, will you refrain from horseplay such as towel snapping, chasing, and replacing the Tang with your own urine?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: Do you plan to wear your space helmets the entire time you are on the moon?

BOTH: Yes.

WILSON: In the event that you are being chased by moonrock throwing moon creatures, would you pick up moonrocks and throw them in defense or would you run back to the spacecraft screaming for your life and shut the door quickly?

NEIL: Um…probably throw moonrocks back.

BUZZ: Yeah. I would do that too.

WILSON: Okay. In the event that moon creatures are able to suction themselves onto your spacecraft with their suction-cup hands and are returning back to Earth with you, would either of you attempt to open up the spacecraft door in mid-flight and swat at them in hopes that they would fall off or leave out of frustration?

NEIL: Yes.

BUZZ: Absolutely.

WILSON: If you are on the moon and you find a cavernous moon cave and inside you come across what looks like some really expensive paintings, would you steal them so that you can make a large profit at a fancy art dealership on Earth?

NEIL: Yeah.

BUZZ: I think so, yes.

WILSON: Okay, but the art here is really heavy and hard to carry.

NEIL: Oh, well, then no.

WILSON: Would you consider having sex with a hideous space vixen?

BOTH: No.

WILSON: What if I removed the word ‘hideous’?


They both gradually capitulate.


WILSON: If you return back to Earth and find that it’s not the present day Earth but, rather, 14th Century Earth, would you attempt to get back to the 20th century or would you try to gradually settle into this world and explain your crazy moon ideas to a people who will deem you so insane that they will try and set you on fire for heresy?

BUZZ: Hmmm…


Buzz and Neil look at each other confused.


WILSON: Well, let’s skip that one for now. Neil, if Buzz was suffering from what scientists refer to as moon fever, would you shoot him even if he begged you and claimed that he didn’t actually have moon fever at all…

NASA: Um, Mr. Wilson, I can’t help but notice that none of the questions that you asked were on the preliminary list that your company sent me this morning.

WILSON: That’s because I’m not from the insurance company. (pulling a gun) I’m from the Soviet Space Program!


Scary music plays.



VOICE: Will Neil and Buzz ever make it to the moon? Tune in to next week’s episode of “Neil and Buzz’s Mission to the Moon” and find out!