Rules of Conduct

Glen Woods Junior High School has been asked to respond to several incidents that occurred during last year's wrestling season.  Please observe the following rules that are to be adhered throughout the upcoming year.  Failure of compliance with these rules will be met with indefinite suspension from the wrestling team, or ban from this year's semi-formal. 

Rule #1: Do not attack your opponent with a folding chair.  Baseball bats are also frowned upon.  Abstain from breaking an ottoman over the head of the other player.  The ladder is for gym maintenance only.  Candlesticks will not even be allowed into the room.

Rule #2: Try to place more of an emphasis on wrestling and less of an emphasis on character arc.

Rule #3: Dragging your opponent around the gymnasium by his long blond wig is now considered an illegal move.

Rule #4: Avoid flying into the gymnasium using a complex series of ropes, wires, and pulleys.  Please use either the southwest or southeast doors.  Also, rolling in by barrel is discouraged.  Appearing amidst a cloud of dry ice is not a good idea either.  Any attempt at catapulting yourself onto the wrestling mat by cannon or rocket launcher is entirely out of the question.

Rule #5: It's wrestling, not "wrastlin'".

Rule #6: If a midget happens to wander into the gymnasium, he or she shall not be used as a weapon in any way.

Rule #7: Stop stealing makeup from Mrs. Butterfield's drama class in order to "enhance" your performance.

Rule #8: Please wear only your school uniform at sports meets.  The flame patterned spandex one-piece with a tie will not be considered official.

Rule #9: The referee is a close personal friend of the school's principal and has children.  Stop lighting his beard on fire.

Rule #10: Identify your student card clearly.  The player who has been going by the name "Spitfire Cowboy" is not an official student at the school.  He's just some bum who wandered in off the street one day.

Rule #11: The only move that leads to victory is pinning your opponent.  We will not accept the move where both players squeeze each other's heads simultaneously until they flail apart from each other and fall to the ground.

Rule #12: Try to have fun.  After all, it's a game!

No Bones About It

In Grade 10 biology, we had a real life skeleton in our classroom.  Sometimes, Mr. Belton would make the skeleton do funny things like point at all of us or eat a sandwich and then force vomit.  In many ways, the skeleton was just like any other student in the classroom except he wouldn't take any tests and he was all bones.  I would often spend most of the class staring at the skeleton thinking, man, I wish I was a skeleton.  One day, we came to class and the skeleton was gone.  "What's going on?" I asked.  "Where's old Skully?"  The class looked confused.  "You know.  The skeleton."  The class told me that the day before, Mr. Belton had made an annoucement that the skeleton would be going away because it was causing a distraction to some students which I guess I didn't hear for some reason.  Well, I started crying and when Mr. Belton came in, I demanded to know where the skeleton was.  "I'm sorry," said Mr. Belton, "but the skeleton is gone."  I couldn't believe it!  I went into a mad rage and started banging on the closet at the back of the room.  But as I was banging, guess what fell out of the closet?  It was the remains of a dead person!!!!  I had never been so scared in my life.

A Good Memory

FATHER: Remember the other night when I told you that if you didn't go to sleep, the tickle monster would come and get you?

SON: Yes.

FATHER: Well, I have some good news.  Yesterday I looked in your closet and the tickle monster is dead.

It Just Goes To Show Ya

There was a kid in my hometown when I was growing up, and nobody ever thought that anything would come of him.  He was a born rebel - he hated authority and authority didn't have much time for him either.  He would often come to class drunk off some stuff he found in his parents' liquor cabinet, or that was the conclusion that the teachers reached anyway.  He was the kind of kid in the neighbourhood that parents were afraid of - and he was often used as an example.  "Don't act like him," our parents would say - "he has a very troubled future ahead of him".  One day, the kid just up and disappeared, right in the middle of a church sermon on how to be serious upstanding citizens.  He disappeared for what seemed like forever, but it was probably shorter than that.  The legend has it that he was tired of taking everyone's crap - but you know how it is with legends.  He was the kid that nobody had any faith in.  But that kid grew up.  And he turned out to be just a lazy asshole who lives at the end of my street.

Bored of Education

Least constructive comment on my Grade 2 report card: "Jesse really puts the 'crap' in scrapbook".