Fallen Arches

MANAGER: Your name is?

BILL: Bill Alford.

MANAGER: And the job you’re applying for?

BILL: Hamburglar.

MANAGER: Excellent. Have you ever been a mascot before?

BILL: No, this would be the first time.

MANAGER: (writing down) I see. And you enjoy hamburgers?

BILL: Oh, yes.

MANAGER: Enjoy them enough to burgle them?



Pause.



BILL: Maybe.

MANAGER: (writing down) Okay. Have you burgled many burgers in the past?

BILL: Not too many.

MANAGER: If you were to attach a number to it?

BILL: Zero.

MANAGER: Ah. (writing down)

BILL: Is that bad?

MANAGER: No, it’s good! We are a company opposed to burglary even if it’s hamburglary.

BILL: Oh good.

MANAGER: Would you be okay with getting in mock fights with Grimace?

BILL: Who?

MANAGER: Grimace. He steals milkshakes.

BILL: Oh. I guess I could, yes.

MANAGER: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and the Grimace?

BILL: A real fight or a mock fight?

MANAGER: Hmmm, good question. Let’s go with real.

BILL: Am I dressed up as the hamburglar?

MANAGER: No, you’re you. This is you, Bill Alford vs. Grimace.

BILL: I don’t even know who Grimace is.

MANAGER: He’s a big purple Wumpus.

BILL: Oh, I see.

MANAGER: Yes. Between you and me, he once tried to poison Mayor McCheese.

BILL: Who did? The performer? To be honest, I’m lost.



The phone rings.



MANAGER: (picking up the phone) Hello? Yes? Right. Right! I’ll be right there. (hangs up; to Bill) Sorry, I got to run. A bunch of crazed Irishmen downtown are demanding fifty Shamrock Shakes in the middle of November!

BILL: Wow.

MANAGER: Incidentally, you have the job if you’re up for the challenge. Please sign the contracts that are in the top left drawer of my desk. There is also a hamburger in there but it’s my lunch. Don’t steal it. Take care!



Manager exits. Curtain falls. Audience begins to re-consider life choices up to this point.