Tales From the Underworld!!!

Two Demons are chatting at a Demon retreat.

DEMON #1: So then what happened?

DEMON #2: Well, then I took the guy out back and…(whispers) ripped out his heart.

DEMON #1: Why are you whispering? We are surrounded by demons.

 ***

VAMPIRE: Look, Count Dracula, I’ve brought you some fresh virginal blood.

DRACULA: Whoa, happy birthday to me!

VAMPIRE: Wait…it’s your birthday?

DRACULA: No, it’s an expression. (rolls eyes)

 ***

MAN: Thanks a lot, Evil Santa! You've ruined Christmas again.

EVIL SANTA: Bwohohohoho.

 ***

GHOST #1: What do you want to do tonight?

GHOST #2: I don’t know. Haunt someone?

GHOST #1: Ahhh!!!! You are such a bourgeois cliché!

 ***

ZOMBIE: Brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 2: ….Brains…brains…brains…

ZOMBIE 3: Actually, I think I’m going to hit the ol’ hot dog stand.

*** 

A company of hellish ghouls gather to hear Satan’s weekly speech. Satan enters, and the awful crowd hushes. Just as Satan is about to get to the podium, he trips on a chair, falls off the stage into the orchestra pit of hell. The crowd is stunned silent. Satan, though, recovers and bounces up, saying:

SATAN: Live from Hell, it’s Saturday night!

The crowd is confused.

SATAN: Oh, fuck you people. (Satan walks off)