Full of Pep Talk

CAPTAIN: I'm going to be honest with you men.  We face a difficult battle today.  Quite possibly the most difficult battle of our lives.  The enemy that we are about to fight have spent the past few months preparing and training for this day, while we have spent most of that time gambling.  They have state of the art weapons and technology, while our guns have gone missing.  They have the kind of comraderie and brotherhood that we, with our hurtful namecalling and bizarre hazing rituals, could only ever dream of.  They also do not suffer from the kind of drug induced schizophrenia that many of you have been afflicted with ever since that party at my house.  Most of all, they have gumption, and I have yet to find out what that even means.  The important thing for you to take away here though is this: the title of "Captain" is not just something I won in a card game.  It is also my real first name!  I just thought you all should know that.